Going Out Sucks

Greg sat at home listening to oldies music on the radio. Frustrated, he switches off. “You’d think with a huge back catalog of music they wouldn’t have a rotation,” he muttered. He turned on the safe bet, internet radio streamed from the UK. Funny how you have to listen to music stations a few time zones away to hear good music from your own country.
He ran out of microwave pizzas, so he ate cereals and milk for dinner, sure he was going to be hungry again later. But that was perfect, since he was going out with his indecisive friends. Should push come to shove in the planning for the evening’s events, they can always end up watching him eat.
Funny thing about Greg going out with his friends was that he went out with them so he wouldn’t have to anymore. That is, he went out to meet new people so he wouldn’t have to always force the issue with his dull current friends. But he needed them to be around when he went out or else he would look like a loner desperate to not look like a loner anymore. It’s messed up, really, but he rationalized the situation by putting it that if his friends were more outgoing then he would not have to ditch them. It’s a bit of a pitfall, blaming your friends for being how they are; yet they are still your friends and it’s naïve to think that you can change someone.
This night his circle of friends ends up going to a bar/restaurant for some dinner and drinks. Greg is already over it before he even gets there. He knows that this is just another way for his friends to feel like they’re going out without actually going out. Technically, they are out of the house, but in essence, they’re not too far from the couch. You’re not doing anything active; you don’t really have to even move beyond pointing at the menu and signaling which dish is yours, which probably burns about the same amount of calories as pushing the buttons on your remote control. In reality, what exciting can really happen eating out at a restaurant. The case can be made that you might meet eyes with another patron across the room or your cute server just so happens to be getting off her shift just when your dining experience should be winding down, but that stuff is just all in the movies and in real life, you’re a bit creepy if you expect such to be the case every time you go out to eat. The girl across the room isn’t really interested in you, she only looks over because she can see you staring and she wants to point out to her boyfriend who keeps looking at her. The waitress does not like you in the least bit, but she’s been hit on enough times by enough guys to be jaded enough to think solely about the tip she’ll hopefully be getting should she maintain her nice façade and patronize your stupid jokes and silly attempts and winning her attention. Face it, beyond being fed, you’re overpaying for a motion picture pipedream facilitated by overpriced alcoholic beverages; and you think this is going out.
The food is good, like it usually is, but now comes the dreaded question: “What now?” Great, he’s been though this before. He gave up months ago on suggesting anything. Yet, to not seem like such the party pooper, he lists off a bunch of hollow potential plans knowing that no one will agree to them, though they’ll pretend to ponder the prospect of such endeavors. After 45 minutes of this, the party agrees to just head home.
This isn’t good enough for Greg, who sets off on his own, barhopping. Great, now he’s the loner in the bar looking like he’s waiting on some insanely hot girl to take pity and start talking to him then eventually hit it off and become a fun, young couple who go out, dance, have stimulating conversion, have quickies, dress well, make single people jealous, keep inside jokes, do little things to remind each other how much they’re in love, make each other smile, send emails from work, send text messages, sit and stare at one another, buy each other clothes that they think will make them look even more desirable, tell the other about their day, relax in each other’s arms, go to movies, take vacations around the world, throw dinner parties, sing in the car together, have pet names, go out to a game, go shopping, go to company parties, go to family functions, hold hands, sit next to each other, sit across from each other, talk your own language, be happy; just like in the movies. But it’s not going to happen, because going out sucks and you spent your money on dinner.

UCI Fisherman’s Club: Guide to the Good Life aka Yatch Stylee

The number of unhappy people in this world far outweigh those that are content, and unnecessarily so. We at the UCI Fisherman’s Club would like to help alleviate this global discontentment crisis by giving a few pointers that can help in every day life here and there, pointing you in the direction of a more complete and satisfactory existence.

1. Throw yacht parties. Not only are these types of affairs excellent for rap videos, but you’d be surprised to find out just how well they translate into actual life. Not only are they a good way to meet models, but after you meet them, they have no way to run off! Talk about an ace in the hole.

2. Know that religion has its limits. If you like pork, you aren’t going to hell for it. Eat pigs feet to your heart’s delight. If you spill your seed on the ground, aka masturbate, don’t sweat it. It’s still better than getting AIDS.

3. Do things that you’ll regret later on, but don’t regret them. A general problem that a lot of people have is this whole thing with having a “conscience.” This usually inhibits people from their full potential and curtails all that is good and offered to us in this existence. Who cares if you’re worried about being late to work the next day. Who says you wouldn’t have died in a car accident had you have been on time to work? So what if laser removal of tattoos cost and hurt more than actually getting one, they are definitely worth it. You don’t want to die without any scars.

4. Talk to strangers. You never know who you’ll meet and what sort of hook ups they can offer you. You don’t have to talk to lonely people just to brighten their day, this can be a strictly selfish deed. You know how it goes at the ranch, laaaaiiiddd baacckkk,

5. Build your vocabulary. When you have more words to work with, the more you are able to fool rich people into trusting you. And if you don’t know what to do from there, then maybe you don’t deserve the good life.

6. Keep it trill. A wise man, before he got all stupid, once said, “true playa pimp spend no dough on the booty.” And this is true. People know right off the bat if they are hooking up. If you have to actually spend more Andrew Jackson’s than you anticipated/wanted to then it is not worth it. Another wise man, since retired, statd, “All I got for chicks is hard dick and bubble gum.” He would also take girls to the waffle house and kick them out of his place at 7:15am. He is very wealthy and successful and he is a great embodiment of the Yatch Stylee.

7. If you haven’t already, learn how to dress. This is a key ingredient in the good life. Learning how to dress would also include grooming upkeep and general hygiene. These are very important. Cleanliness is next to godliness and dress highly fashionably helps to mask how un-genetically blessed you might be. I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, and in this way, but you just have to deal with it.

8. Don’t salute the wingman. There shouldn’t be a wingman anyway—if he’s smart, he’s just another man on the same quest for that good life. Along that line, there should be no such thing as “taking one for the team.” If that’s in your playbook, you’re probably on the wrong team. If you feel forced to purchase an alcoholic beverage for someone of the opposite sex for whom you bear no attraction (or see no potential therein for personal or political gain), then you probably shouldn’t do it. After all, it’s your hard-earned gigolo money from a hard day of gigoloing. You should be able to do with it (or whatever’s left of it after The Man takes his cut) as you please, and if it doesn’t please the court to buy this creature a drink, then the court shan’t buy the drink!

9. Set standards … for everything. Don’t let people tell you what to like. Setting standards will help you separate what you want from what you don’t. Without standards, you could very well soon be dating (read: mating) either Rosie O’Donnell or Roseanne Barr, and your idea of an exciting night will be the thought of cheating on one with the other. So the next time a friend tells you that someone of the opposite sex is hot, retort that before you can accept their opinion, you’ll need to perform a rigorous 20-point (or higher) inspection to see if they meet your standards for certified hotness. Your friend will probably be impressed, and will probably ask you to inspect all of his prospective mating partners in the future.

10. If you don’t mind the thought of an older woman, but your chaps aren’t really feeling them, then you’re probably like me, and enjoy spending your free time pretending to shop for clothes for your mom at Kohl’s, just to sneak peeks at the giant-size photos of Daisy Fuentes modeling her new DF Sport line of activewear for today’s everyday woman. The point is: if you’re going camping, and an older woman can’t assist you to pitch your tent, you can still be cool and let your buddy get the fever for that jungle. Perhaps you’ll find some solace in the possibility that the woman has produced some certifiable offspring—just don’t forget to bring ’er by your buddy for inspection first.

There it is, blokes. Ten simple things, presented for your consideration. This white guy who played a wise man in a movie once said, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” Face it—you’re getting older with every passing second, with every moment that you continue to spend reading this. Before we know it, we’ll all be old, dirty bastards. Rest in peace.


-by Nick & Eros