UCI Fisherman’s Club: Guide to the Good Life aka Yatch Stylee

The number of unhappy people in this world far outweigh those that are content, and unnecessarily so. We at the UCI Fisherman’s Club would like to help alleviate this global discontentment crisis by giving a few pointers that can help in every day life here and there, pointing you in the direction of a more complete and satisfactory existence.

1. Throw yacht parties. Not only are these types of affairs excellent for rap videos, but you’d be surprised to find out just how well they translate into actual life. Not only are they a good way to meet models, but after you meet them, they have no way to run off! Talk about an ace in the hole.

2. Know that religion has its limits. If you like pork, you aren’t going to hell for it. Eat pigs feet to your heart’s delight. If you spill your seed on the ground, aka masturbate, don’t sweat it. It’s still better than getting AIDS.

3. Do things that you’ll regret later on, but don’t regret them. A general problem that a lot of people have is this whole thing with having a “conscience.” This usually inhibits people from their full potential and curtails all that is good and offered to us in this existence. Who cares if you’re worried about being late to work the next day. Who says you wouldn’t have died in a car accident had you have been on time to work? So what if laser removal of tattoos cost and hurt more than actually getting one, they are definitely worth it. You don’t want to die without any scars.

4. Talk to strangers. You never know who you’ll meet and what sort of hook ups they can offer you. You don’t have to talk to lonely people just to brighten their day, this can be a strictly selfish deed. You know how it goes at the ranch, laaaaiiiddd baacckkk,

5. Build your vocabulary. When you have more words to work with, the more you are able to fool rich people into trusting you. And if you don’t know what to do from there, then maybe you don’t deserve the good life.

6. Keep it trill. A wise man, before he got all stupid, once said, “true playa pimp spend no dough on the booty.” And this is true. People know right off the bat if they are hooking up. If you have to actually spend more Andrew Jackson’s than you anticipated/wanted to then it is not worth it. Another wise man, since retired, statd, “All I got for chicks is hard dick and bubble gum.” He would also take girls to the waffle house and kick them out of his place at 7:15am. He is very wealthy and successful and he is a great embodiment of the Yatch Stylee.

7. If you haven’t already, learn how to dress. This is a key ingredient in the good life. Learning how to dress would also include grooming upkeep and general hygiene. These are very important. Cleanliness is next to godliness and dress highly fashionably helps to mask how un-genetically blessed you might be. I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, and in this way, but you just have to deal with it.

8. Don’t salute the wingman. There shouldn’t be a wingman anyway—if he’s smart, he’s just another man on the same quest for that good life. Along that line, there should be no such thing as “taking one for the team.” If that’s in your playbook, you’re probably on the wrong team. If you feel forced to purchase an alcoholic beverage for someone of the opposite sex for whom you bear no attraction (or see no potential therein for personal or political gain), then you probably shouldn’t do it. After all, it’s your hard-earned gigolo money from a hard day of gigoloing. You should be able to do with it (or whatever’s left of it after The Man takes his cut) as you please, and if it doesn’t please the court to buy this creature a drink, then the court shan’t buy the drink!

9. Set standards … for everything. Don’t let people tell you what to like. Setting standards will help you separate what you want from what you don’t. Without standards, you could very well soon be dating (read: mating) either Rosie O’Donnell or Roseanne Barr, and your idea of an exciting night will be the thought of cheating on one with the other. So the next time a friend tells you that someone of the opposite sex is hot, retort that before you can accept their opinion, you’ll need to perform a rigorous 20-point (or higher) inspection to see if they meet your standards for certified hotness. Your friend will probably be impressed, and will probably ask you to inspect all of his prospective mating partners in the future.

10. If you don’t mind the thought of an older woman, but your chaps aren’t really feeling them, then you’re probably like me, and enjoy spending your free time pretending to shop for clothes for your mom at Kohl’s, just to sneak peeks at the giant-size photos of Daisy Fuentes modeling her new DF Sport line of activewear for today’s everyday woman. The point is: if you’re going camping, and an older woman can’t assist you to pitch your tent, you can still be cool and let your buddy get the fever for that jungle. Perhaps you’ll find some solace in the possibility that the woman has produced some certifiable offspring—just don’t forget to bring ’er by your buddy for inspection first.

There it is, blokes. Ten simple things, presented for your consideration. This white guy who played a wise man in a movie once said, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” Face it—you’re getting older with every passing second, with every moment that you continue to spend reading this. Before we know it, we’ll all be old, dirty bastards. Rest in peace.


-by Nick & Eros